A story I didn't write

Hello, Hipster Boy here with a story written by my friend Sam. I am so proud of her right now.

I invited him into my basement. I wanted to look sexy, not that I would ever admit it. The place was a mess. My beaten up couch was engulfed in my supa tight jeans, shift dresses, and oversized scarves. My vinyls had been flung all across the dirty shag rug. My Velvet Underground wept at my carelessness. I threw all of the clothes into a corner, emptying a space in which I hoped to do the deed. I whispered sweet nothings to my music as I pushed them into the corner as well. I looked in the mirror. My look was effortless. And by effortless I mean I spent two hours making my hair look like it had just been hit by a weed-wacker. My fried locks had been dyed so many times that they frizzed out into place quite nicely. I was wearing a short, shapeless purple dress that hung on my body like a sac. The words “easy access” kept flashing through my brain. I ringed my eyes with some more black eyeliner. I thought it really contrasted well with my pasty complexion. I kicked off my heels. At 5’11,” I figured I was already awkwardly tall. The tap-tap of footsteps coming down the stairs made me turn. There he was, the boy that I loved. He was wearing tight red pants, so tight I swear that his junk must be all smashed up in his crotch. His legs were thin, perhaps thinner than mine. But he had gargantuan feet. God, he is sexy. His hair looks like he left it in a headband all day. He smiled nervously and walked across the room. He pushed his bony frame up against my body and kissed me. I ran my hand along the ribs of his back. He moved his hand up to the place where my boobs would be if I had any. His hands were so cold that I jumped back for a second, but then moved in again. I thought I could feel him getting hard, but with his tight jeans on, I couldn’t tell. I began to tug them off, with intense effort. He was paler than I could have ever imagined. He came down on top of me. He was quick, like a gerbil. God, his hips are sharp. Eff. Ow. Owwww. Frick this hurts. He made a face like frightened school girl and squealed a bit. Well. At least it ended quick. He turns red. I look deep into his eyes and said “I think I like women.”